The Croc

by Mark Higgins

"May the Croc be with you.....always......"

CROC: THE SHOE INCIDENT

(In the style of a news report)

A croc was found rampaging through GW HQ the other day, flailing about and gnashing its teeth. The croc was eventualy sedated and placed in a large holding tank on Fat Blokes desk.

"Please dont eat me" pleaded the croc to Mr Sawyer.

"Mmmmmmm, food" said Mr Sawyer.

"Noooooooooo" screamed the croc, as it attempted to flee.

Fat Bloke was momentarily distracted by a bacon butty, this was the crocs chance.....it tipped over the tank and ran out to the warehouse. The croc looked around, seeing a pallet stacked with 40k3's, it cahrged. There was no stopping it, the croc wanted its 40k. It was at this point that Fat Bloke finished the bacon, saw the empty tank and rushed down the stairs to the warehouse.

"Oi!" screamed Mr Sawyer at the enraged croc that was systematically ripping through the defenders of the pile. "Just you get back here, you were going to be brunch!"

"Haha" replied the croc "the 40k's are MINE! You can do nothing to stop me"

"Oh yeh" said Fat Bloke, whilst doing his Nurgle impersonation (it comes toooo naturally). He raced over to where the croc was busy attempting to put the shoe together.

"Just you put that down" said Mr Sawyer.

"Bite Me" said the croc, and that was his fatal mistake.

This explains the reports of mass shortages of 40k3, as Fat Bloke couldnt just stop at the croc. "It was merely an appetiser" Mr Sawyer was heard to say as he was sentenced to 5 years in the Dwarfe Bunker.

Thought for the day: Blame Paul Sawyer for lack of 40k!

CROC 2: A CROC TOO FAR

A rather large and extremely angry croc was rampaging through Tuomas Pirinen's office just yesterday.

"You long haired hippy" it screamed at him, "just what do you think youre doing with this Mord-heimy thingy?"

"Its a new game" replied Tuomas "where you use WFB rules to play Necro games in a 40k atmosphere"

"You sad, sad, pathetic little man" the croc said, whilst lunging at Tuomas.

"HEEEELP" screamed Tuomas in his most girly of voices.

Nick Davis came running in at that moment, having heard the blood-curdling wail. Nick, as we all know has a deep affinity with all things lizard, so he tried to placate the croc.

"Hi" Nick said "I'm a cold blooded amphibian too!"

The croc looked at him, laughed and proceeded to gobble him down in a space of time Fat Bloke would be proud of.

" And now for Mr Girly-screaming-hippy-hair" said the croc.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO, dont eat me!" plaeded Tuomas. At the mention of the word 'eat' Paul Sawyer burst in.

"Oi!" He screamed "not you again!"

The croc looked at him, fear in his eyes.

" Nnnnnnn-nnn-oooooooooooooooooooo" Screamed the croc, lashing out at Mr Sawyer. This time, there was no escape, the croc revenged its friends untimely death by chomping down on Fat Bloke.

"And, now for you" said the croc to Tuomas, who was cringing in a corner " whats the deal with this Mord-Heimy thingy?"

"It will be an excellant game, with full rules taken from assorted best sellers like monopoly, tetris and chess" That did it, Tuomas was no more.

And so, another tragic turn of events in the dwarfe bunker has seen yet another unfinished game hit the shelves.

And the croc? What happend to the croc? I hear you say. He was put to playtesting the lizardmen army. A happy end for all except Tuomas, Fat Bloke, Nick Davis and (most importantly)the poor gamers who have to put up with the shoddy crap they try to push on us.

CROC 3: CROC 40,000

Marneus Crocgar, leader of the Ultracrocs paced restlessly upon the bridge of the "Crocs Pride".

"How could we get lost???" He asked of the astrocroc.

"Well....um...urr...well.....if....ahhh...um" the astrocroc didnt want to own up, and say that his attention had been diverted by a large plump, fat, tasty human that he'd had a vision of. He was hungry.

"Quickly, pull us out of the warp" Said Crocgar.

The astrocroc did. EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They were about .005 seconds from impacting with earth!

.004, CRAP! thought the astrocroc.

.003 the astrocroc finished thinking crap.

.002 at this point all motor functions in the astrocrocs body ceased.

.001 mummy!

KAAAAAABBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Smegorama" thought the astrocroc, as he was gently lifted up to heaven. BUT WAIT! He was burning! That meant he was alive!

SMACK!

"Wall" thought the astrocroc, shattering all the bones in his body, reducing him to the same cosistency as Jello.

....................... "urrrhgm" .... "urrrgth" ........ "urrrth" ....... "eurth"......."EARTH!!!!"

"Welcome back" said a large fat man "you had a nasty accident" the astrocroc thought he recognised this whale.

This was the man from his vision!

"FAT BLOKE!", the croc realised too late, this was the mythical 'Fat Bloke', who years before had devoured many a croc.

Fat Bloke raised his right arm, and instead of an arm, he had a robotic implant, it was a pepper shaker!

Fat Bloke raised his left arm, and instead of an arm, he had a robotic implant, it was a salt shaker!

"Mummy" said the croc.

At this point Marneus Crocgar burst through the wall, seeing the abomination that was Fat Bloke he opend fire with the gauntlets of Crocamar.

DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA.

"Noooooooo" screamed Crocgar, as the bolt shells bounced harmlessly off Fat Blokes hide.

"Yessssssss, food" said Fat Bloke.

Fat Bloke then set about sprinkling Crocgar with the deadly acidic salt and pepper from his arms.

The astrocroc looked around. He saw a fork attachment for Fat Blokes arm. 'Hmmmmmm' he thought, 'if theres a fork, there must be a-' Then he saw it! He picked up the C'tan fase cutlery and proceeded to slice Fat Bloke into ribbons (rather large ones at that).

Weeks after finishing Fat Bloke off (it took him exactly 5387630 days to eat him all, keeping the uneaten bits in the universes largest carbonite freezing chamber untill ready) the croc once again became hungry, so he searched Mr Sawyer's drawers for a snack. He found a big piece of paper with the title "1001 ways to make White Dwarf better". Unfortunately for all those readers out there, Fat Bloke had accidentally stuck a toffe to it. The Astrocroc, being unable to get it off, settled for just eating the whole thing, paper and all.

So, once again the consumer has lost out in the latest episode, having to put up with shite Dwarfe instead of White Dwarf.

THE END

Thought for the day: Blame the croc for the crappy Dwarf!